Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Iconic Poker Game

The bombshell of probably needing to move to Nevada jarred me out of thinking about this silly scene that I was forming in my head today.

Well, now I'll write it out stream-of-consciousness and hopefully it will make sense. It'd be funnier if I acted it out, I'm sure.

This started when we were playing a card game Saturday night. I often say silly things, and I said, in a voice you might expect from a boasting poker player, "You better watch out; you better not cry; you better not pout; I'm tellin' ya why: Santa Claus is COMIN' ta town!" Y'know, like he just put down a winning hand. So that got me imagining Santa with a Cuban cigar playing poker with other holiday/iconic creatures. Eventually I came up with a line for Cupid after imagining him also smoking a cigar and how some people might think that was a ripoff of Baby Herman.

And now, the scene as it had formed in my head today at work prior to having a bomb dropped on me:

The seating positions around the poker table are in a C shape. From one end to the other it goes Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, New Year Baby, and Cupid. However, Cupid is late and has not shown up yet.

SANTA is smoking a cigar. He puts down his cards triumphantly on "comin' ".

Ya better not shout; ya better not cry; ya better not pout; I'm tellin' ya why: Santa Claus is COMIN' ta town! Heh heh heh! Er, I mean, Ho ho ho!

EASTER BUNNY (throwing down his cards in defeat)
Oh, a full house!

TOOTH FAIRY (likewise)
Nice hand, Santa, dear.

SANTA begins raking in the dough, but is interrupted by NEW YEAR BABY.

NEW YEAR BABY (putting down cards)
Goo goo ga!

Oh ho ho! A royal flush! He's got ya good there, Santy!

SANTA (disgusted, defeated)
I'd like to royal flush that brat's diaper. Phew!

Well at least he wears one, unlike our missing player.

What's taking him, anyway?

Oh, here he comes now!

TOOTH FAIRY is somewhat embarrassed by CUPID entering, wearing nothing but his quiver with two arrows in it, carrying his bow. CUPID speaks with a rough Brooklyn accent. He takes his seat as he speaks.

Hey, sorry I'm late. I got held up 'cause of a stupid cabbie. This guy, I don't know if he recognized me or what, but he was just goin' ON and ON about his freakin' sad excuse for a love life. Eventually I couldn't take it no more, so I whipped out an arrow and ZING! right through the heart. Beautiful shot, if I do say so myself.

Oh, that was nice of you, dear.

Nice? What are you talkin' about, lady?

TOOTH FAIRY (touched)
Working in your off-season to help him find love.

Working? I said I shot him through the heart, didn't I? I'm late 'cause it took me a while to dispose of the body.

TOOTH FAIRY (slightly shocked)
But aren't those magic arrows?

Yeah, they both come back all magical like, but one's for doin' my job; the other's for self-defense.

And... this was self-defense?

Of course it was! The guy was drivin' me freakin' crazy. I mean what was his problem? It's a hundred degrees in the freakin' shade; does it seem like it's freakin' Valentine's Day to you?

The others have no argument.

Hey Santa, pass me a Cuban, would ya?

SANTA gives CUPID a cigar. As TOOTH FAIRY speaks, CUPID motions over a red-nosed reindeer of Santa's as he bites off and spits out one end of the cigar. He then touches the bitten end of the cigar to the reindeer's nose, thus lighting the cigar.

You shouldn't smoke those things, Cupid, dear.

What, are you gonna lecture me on my health now?

No, it's just that people will think you're Baby Herman.

CUPID is annoyed, but before he can speak:

That's hardly fair. Cupid has been around much longer.

Yeah. So, what, now every baby with a cigar is a ripoff of Baby Herman?

CUPID (even more annoyed)
Hey, hey, watch it, fluffy butt. I ain't no baby, all right? I'm a CHERUB! There's a difference!

If you say so, dear.

Googy goo!

Yeah, what he said.


And what did he say?

What are you? Deaf? With those ears? He said to deal the freakin' cards already!

You mean you can actually understand him?

What, do you think I'm stupid or somethin'? Of course I can!

EASTER BUNNY leans over to SANTA

Must be because he's a baby!

Ho ho ho ho!

CUPID is really pissed off now at the second baby remark. He stands back up and begins wielding his bow.

All right; that's it! I've had enough o' you two!

Cupie, no!!!

CUPID pulls out an arrow and fires it at EASTER BUNNY and SANTA. It flies through both of them before magically returning to its quiver.

Ah yeah! Two-for-one shot! I've outdone myself.

How could you??

After a short beat...

EASTER BUNNY (lovingly)
Oh, Santy...

SANTA (lovingly)
Oh, my little bun-bun...

Oh dear.

Oh Christ! That was the wrong freakin' arrow!


Somewhere, somewhen, I had a line where the Tooth Fairy asked Cupid why he didn't fly in, and he said something about not wasting his energy when he's off-duty 'cause he wants to keep his figure. But somehow it didn't come out when I just wrote it now. So there.

Anyway, now it's out of my head, and I can go to bed.

And yes, the "I'm not a baby; I'm a cherub" line has been in my head since Saturday night. It's purely coincidence that Paul ended up posting his cherub picture today!

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