The Iconic Poker Game

The bombshell of probably needing to move to Nevada jarred me out of thinking about this silly scene that I was forming in my head today.

Well, now I'll write it out stream-of-consciousness and hopefully it will make sense. It'd be funnier if I acted it out, I'm sure.

This started when we were playing a card game Saturday night. I often say silly things, and I said, in a voice you might expect from a boasting poker player, "You better watch out; you better not cry; you better not pout; I'm tellin' ya why: Santa Claus is COMIN' ta town!" Y'know, like he just put down a winning hand. So that got me imagining Santa with a Cuban cigar playing poker with other holiday/iconic creatures. Eventually I came up with a line for Cupid after imagining him also smoking a cigar and how some people might think that was a ripoff of Baby Herman.

And now, the scene as it had formed in my head today at work prior to having a bomb dropped on me:

The seating positions around the poker table are in a C shape. From one end to the other it goes Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, New Year Baby, and Cupid. However, Cupid is late and has not shown up yet.

SANTA is smoking a cigar. He puts down his cards triumphantly on "comin' ".

SANTA
Ya better not shout; ya better not cry; ya better not pout; I'm tellin' ya why: Santa Claus is COMIN' ta town! Heh heh heh! Er, I mean, Ho ho ho!

EASTER BUNNY (throwing down his cards in defeat)
Oh, a full house!

TOOTH FAIRY (likewise)
Nice hand, Santa, dear.

SANTA begins raking in the dough, but is interrupted by NEW YEAR BABY.

NEW YEAR BABY (putting down cards)
Goo goo ga!

EASTER BUNNY
Oh ho ho! A royal flush! He's got ya good there, Santy!

SANTA (disgusted, defeated)
I'd like to royal flush that brat's diaper. Phew!

TOOTH FAIRY
Well at least he wears one, unlike our missing player.

SANTA
What's taking him, anyway?

EASTER BUNNY
Oh, here he comes now!

TOOTH FAIRY is somewhat embarrassed by CUPID entering, wearing nothing but his quiver with two arrows in it, carrying his bow. CUPID speaks with a rough Brooklyn accent. He takes his seat as he speaks.

CUPID
Hey, sorry I'm late. I got held up 'cause of a stupid cabbie. This guy, I don't know if he recognized me or what, but he was just goin' ON and ON about his freakin' sad excuse for a love life. Eventually I couldn't take it no more, so I whipped out an arrow and ZING! right through the heart. Beautiful shot, if I do say so myself.

TOOTH FAIRY
Oh, that was nice of you, dear.

CUPID
Nice? What are you talkin' about, lady?

TOOTH FAIRY (touched)
Working in your off-season to help him find love.

CUPID
Working? I said I shot him through the heart, didn't I? I'm late 'cause it took me a while to dispose of the body.

TOOTH FAIRY (slightly shocked)
But aren't those magic arrows?

CUPID
Yeah, they both come back all magical like, but one's for doin' my job; the other's for self-defense.

EASTER BUNNY
And... this was self-defense?

CUPID
Of course it was! The guy was drivin' me freakin' crazy. I mean what was his problem? It's a hundred degrees in the freakin' shade; does it seem like it's freakin' Valentine's Day to you?

The others have no argument.

CUPID
Hey Santa, pass me a Cuban, would ya?

SANTA gives CUPID a cigar. As TOOTH FAIRY speaks, CUPID motions over a red-nosed reindeer of Santa's as he bites off and spits out one end of the cigar. He then touches the bitten end of the cigar to the reindeer's nose, thus lighting the cigar.

TOOTH FAIRY
You shouldn't smoke those things, Cupid, dear.

CUPID
What, are you gonna lecture me on my health now?

TOOTH FAIRY
No, it's just that people will think you're Baby Herman.

CUPID is annoyed, but before he can speak:

SANTA
That's hardly fair. Cupid has been around much longer.

EASTER BUNNY
Yeah. So, what, now every baby with a cigar is a ripoff of Baby Herman?

CUPID (even more annoyed)
Hey, hey, watch it, fluffy butt. I ain't no baby, all right? I'm a CHERUB! There's a difference!

TOOTH FAIRY
If you say so, dear.

NEW YEAR BABY
Googy goo!

CUPID
Yeah, what he said.

(beat)

EASTER BUNNY
And what did he say?

CUPID
What are you? Deaf? With those ears? He said to deal the freakin' cards already!

TOOTH FAIRY
You mean you can actually understand him?

CUPID
What, do you think I'm stupid or somethin'? Of course I can!

EASTER BUNNY leans over to SANTA

EASTER BUNNY
Must be because he's a baby!

SANTA
Ho ho ho ho!

CUPID is really pissed off now at the second baby remark. He stands back up and begins wielding his bow.

CUPID
All right; that's it! I've had enough o' you two!

TOOTH FAIRY
Cupie, no!!!

CUPID pulls out an arrow and fires it at EASTER BUNNY and SANTA. It flies through both of them before magically returning to its quiver.

CUPID
Ah yeah! Two-for-one shot! I've outdone myself.

TOOTH FAIRY
How could you??

After a short beat...

EASTER BUNNY (lovingly)
Oh, Santy...

SANTA (lovingly)
Oh, my little bun-bun...

TOOTH FAIRY
Oh dear.

CUPID
Oh Christ! That was the wrong freakin' arrow!

----

Somewhere, somewhen, I had a line where the Tooth Fairy asked Cupid why he didn't fly in, and he said something about not wasting his energy when he's off-duty 'cause he wants to keep his figure. But somehow it didn't come out when I just wrote it now. So there.

Anyway, now it's out of my head, and I can go to bed.

And yes, the "I'm not a baby; I'm a cherub" line has been in my head since Saturday night. It's purely coincidence that Paul ended up posting his cherub picture today!